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Round peg in a square hole

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Image courtesy: https://weheartit.com/entry/36999341/tag/edgar%20allan%20poe%20quotes?context_user=cagedxbird

Disclaimer: I ramble, digress and jump trains of thoughts a LOT in this post. Approach at your own peril :D

Let me tell you a story. A few weeks ago, I was speaking to a psychiatrist colleague. I was doling out details about the turbulent past year and the flagrant lengths to which people can lose their humanity. When I said, in a very impassioned manner, expecting a barrage of empathetic reassurances, “How could they do and say those things to me, about me?” ..he only looked at me quizzically and said” What happened to you, was expected. You should have been prepared for it. You have, what psychologists term, unique vulnerability. All the abuse that transpired, and continues to this day, in whatever form, could easily have been foreseen, by anyone in our society. How can you not see that?” Needless to say, I was aghast, not by the content of his chafing words as much as the stabbing realisation that I was experiencing deja vu.

I was not born and raised in this society. I moved here in my mid teens. I thought I gelled easily into my new environment, why, with what I have been told repeatedly,a jubilant, affable demeanour made it easy for me to connect. Or so I thought. I have ALWAYS had that feeling, the feeling I experienced when i spoke to the psychiatrist. The feeling of ” I am such a misfit” ” Why do they misconstrue what I say? ” The only difference, now, in my thirties, is that I’m not cringing to the extent of self sabotage ( not as much, anyway :D )

What was my point? Brain farts galore. The point is, this feeling on not belonging is not a pleasant one. Honestly, I am so wary of this self aggrandising  zeitgeist of ” You are unique” “You are exemplary” . WAIT. Don’t be put off. I have more, I promise. I am NOT condoning the view of self deprecation or self sabotage and I most certainly as hell am not condoning this blatantly harmful view of ” You deserved what happened to you” “You brought it on yourself.” I don’t care how bleeding rampant abuse is in a particular society. It is WRONG. The perpetrators shouldn’t be left scott free to roam the earth just because they happen to be part of a misogynistic, chauvinistic, suffocatingly sanctimonious, hypocritical society. I, however, have learned that rather than waste my energies in deciphering the anomalies, I need to change the way I react to things. I might not be able to change this place, the people, the way they think and act but I can stir a revolution in myself. How? I don’t intend to be a hermit, I don’t see the need to engage in pointless debates that end up being arguments ad hominem and I certainly don’t in tend to punish myself with the constant self victimising thoughts that everyone is out there to get me. I am grateful for the very few true friends and family that truly understand me and accept me, quirks and all. I am grateful to God for that and for having the unique opportunity in this past year to be able to weed out those innumerable so called friends, acquaintances et al, that I tried tirelessly to please but who had no scruples maligning, harming and eroding my life when times got rough. Good riddance.

I am on my path to self awareness. I am aware of my faults and I will work on them. I am proud of my qualities but I will not let them make me complacent. This is my journey. I need to be the best I can be, even if it means I might sometimes be that lonely person in a crowd. I know you feel that somewhere, too. Let’s begin.

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Finding Personal Peace

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I’m tempted to say my foolproof method of finding peace is a cup of chamomile tea and cough.. chocolate. I’ll desist.

Finding personal peace is a life long journey. It’s a daily, moment to moment, vicissitude traversing trip. I know it’s not a destination, not for many, I haughtily assume. It is, however, attainable. I know, as a doctor, that the majority of my patients come with somatic symptoms, i.e, physical symptoms actually pointing to some underlying mental health issue, more often than not, it’s anxiety or depression, or a combo. If your mind, your soul, is not at peace, it can’t be in congruence with your physical body.

For me, finding personal peace has been a rough road, to say the least. I can’t go into lurid details for reasons of confidentiality but suffice to say I’m in a whirlwind of self doubt, confusion, resentment and self blame. I’m taking baby steps but I seem to be reclaiming my essence, slowly but surely. Let me tell you my secret.

The secret is GRATITUDE. Stop for a minute. Sit down, take a deep breath, close your eyes. I mean it, close your eyes and be grateful. For your life, for the very little or insanely much that you have, be grateful for YOURSELF. Be grateful for the realisation that you CAN be grateful, you haven’t crossed over to the dark side yet ( been there, done that :P ).

Do this every day, many times a day. Even if you don’t mean it. Forever, if you have to. This is a holistic method. I don’t promise you results in a monetary or physical form or any other such tangible parameter. I can promise you an awareness of self. I think that’s the path to personal peace.

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Rainbows, sparkles, tea and chocolate :)

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All the above for you, thank you for dropping by.

I am a mommy, wife, general physician, dreamer, idealist, exhausted and bored. 

I can’t tell you what’s novel and unique about this site because honestly I don’t know if there’s anything novel and unique. That’s the point! I am a regular woman in my thirties, I cringe easily, I talk to myself, I am impulsive yet restrained.. just the average confused mass of protoplasm. Here’s the deal. I love learning new things, sharing ideas, discussing anything and everything under the sun.

I don’t have a “niche” per se, unless you can roll momminess, wifiness, cringiness, verbal diarrhea, fitness and health, cooking and random musings in a category.

So stick around, follow me and maybe I could learn something from you and you could learn what not to do, from me :)Image

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I feel evil writing about evil. I do.

Let’s just get to the point here. Stop thinking and talking about evil like it’s some distant, inaccessible entity. All of us, and I say this in the most un apologetically, self assuredly, pro-objectivism kind of way possible, ALL of us have a measure of good and evil. The ones that don’t are in frikkin denial. Snap out of it. Now. I’ve been the kind of person who’s been almost obsequiously diplomatic all my life. Well, nothing like the education a messy domestic arena, with a the whole shebang of shenanigans can give you. I swear to God, the boot camp of a lifetime.

No, I’m not going into details about it. What I can divulge, however, is what I have learned the hard way. Balance. One word, an entire lifetime needed to master.. and you still simply can’t master it. Anyone who claims to have is lying through his or her teeth. Anyone who seems to have mastered it is only ruefully smiling and hoping you never unravel the dark side of them. Ever.

You know what we are good at, though? Branding others, categorising others, compartmentalising others. We forget, however, that one look at ourselves without those delusional rose tinted I-love-me-and-accept-me-blah-di-blah glasses and there’s a melange of vices and virtues, most probably the ones that are most discerning are the ones we sanctimoniously point out in others.

Let’s get one thing straight though. This does NOT mean I’m condoning the whole relativism hoo haa.. oh this is morally dubious. Crap. Genocide is morally abhorrent. Period. Racism is deplorable. Period. Domestic abuse makes me want to go put those people in my life in a cauldron of boiling oil and then jump in for letting myself be treated that way. There’s no two views on that. Absolutely not.Not in any religion, by any standard of morality, not even in my patriarchal culture where chauvinistic egomaniacal misogynistic a**holes get away with everything every day.. and guess what. it’s not just men in that list, a whopping majority are women. ( Hold your horses, I’m speaking about MY life and MY experience :) )

Wait, what was my point? Yeah, my point was, we are all mosaics of good and evil. We are. Time to look inwards, embrace and celebrate the good, be concerned, work on the evil. You can do it. I think I can do it. I really want to. If you’re not thinking that way, you need to think harder.

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Well, here goes nothing.

Contrary to a very dismal title and blog name, I’m actually a very exuberant person.. puke.. anyhoo, I’m honestly the kind of idealistic moron whose stomach hurls with the iconoclastic generation X nihilism that I’m so opposed to. However, I’ve had a ROUGH year and for some spontaneous twist of mind ( yes, impetuosity is one of my virtues/ vices too) made me start writing this. On a whim, ALL ON A WHIM :)

I do love sparkles and rainbows and I can’t believe how I excited I get when I go to the stationery store for my nearly four year old daughter. I want to buy all the shiny stuff.. for.. cough.. myself.

I LOVE cooking. I am addicted to cooking blogs and I absolutely get two and a half kicks out of experimenting with food, even though my ingredient accessibility is somehat limited.. I mean, I live in the frikkin heart of the Himalayas.. did I mention I’m a currently unemployed doctor married to a peadiatrician, in Skardu ( capital of Baltistan, perched some 2400 metres above sea level in the backdrop of the Karakoram mountain range of Pakistan.. yaay for Google and copy paste..what, you think I just happened to know the geography? :D )

Sooo, I can’t promise that I’ll enlighten you with my wisdom and infinite experience but I’m sure there are many out there like myself who will want to connect to my corkiness cum dorkiness cum cringiness cum angst cum chutzpah… the angst follows the chutzpah, usually. I am a kaleidoscope of interests.. wow that sounds lame.. but I am. We can talk about anything and everything.

Lemme know.. :)